Celebrating friendship and taking the high road

Continuing my sharing on the book "Winning With People" (and its workbook), one of the best chapters in the book is the discussion about the Celebration Principle. John Maxwell said that 'the true test of friendship is not only how loyal we are when friends fail, but how thrilled we are when they succeed."

As we've seen in our lives, success does not mean anything when there's no one who celebrates it with you and shares that joy. Unfortunately, when we have issues or Bob mindset, this will also prevent us from celebrating the success of others. (more so when you are not in good terms)

To keep an open mind, I note the following:

• Focus on areas where there's an agreement
  I have a friend whom I don't see eye to eye on organizational and financial matters in the past, but I share my friend's passion on starting a business. I chose to retain the friendship and focused on that area where we jive and gradually discuss the difficult ones whenever the need arises.
• Be happy when others succeed
  Celebrate their success and avoid comparing it to your similar glory.

When our success efforts are belittled, or worst, attacked or criticized or humiliated, it is best to take the high road and set a positive agenda with others, bring out the best in yourself. There's nothing to be gained for fighting back.

There's so much more with "Winning With People" (and its workbook). It is a very useful book in developing one's emotional strength and maturity.

I remember this line from a Denzel Washington movie (where he played a boxer who was put into jail). A kid with his friends helped appeal his case. He saw the boxer's book in a book sale and his friend said, "sometimes a book finds you". This book has indeed found me. The lessons gained will surely change the way I deal with people and there are things that I have to unlearn to fully apply it.

Trusting Bob

Continuing my sharing on the book "Winning With People" (and its workbook), there's a chapter in it that asks if we are Bob or do we have a Bob around us. Bob, in this case, is a person who has a problem with everyone. Bob is either a:

• problem carrier
• problem finder
• problem creator
• problem receiver

When dealing with Bob of our lives, I learned from John Maxwell that:

• Respond with a positive comment
  Whenever something negative gets brought to us, listen and point out the positive too.
  
  
• Show concern for someone being criticized
  Whenever motives are critiqued, give the benefit of the doubt. Believe the best in others.
  
  
• Encourage steps towards resolution
  Whenever someone brings a complaint about another person, best to get them to talk. Not doing so and just speculating would be like gossiping.
  
  
• Ask Bob to THINK before speaking
  Is is True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?
  
  
• Keep Bob away from others
  Don't let their negativism spread.

Never let the situation mean more than the relationship
Whenever conflict arises between friends or peers, the first question I ask is do I still want to preserve the relationship with this person. More often than not, I do. Although restoring the trust in the relationship requires work and will take time, but it can be done.

Forgive and trust Bob again

• Forgive as if you are in the right, you have power over the other person that can't be abused.
• It should not happen again as forgiving doesn't mean that they can continue to hurt you. This has to be communicated.
  
• Treat them according to their best qualities. The only way you can make another person trustworthy is by trusting them.

Dealing with hurting people (that hurt people)

John Maxwell has always played a great role in shaping my attitude in life and towards dealing with people. I finally got the chance to start re-reading the book "Winning With People" (and its workbook). I guess the timing is just right as there are so many things happening at this time and this book has given me much needed reflection.

One insight I learned is that who we are reflects how we see people. A fashionista will likely look at how the person dresses up herself immediately upon meeting her. A trusting person will view others as trustworthy.

Unfortunately, when we realize that those we trusted are not as trustworthy, instead of being disappointed, accept the reality that giving trust will not always entitle you to the same. In time, your intuition will sharpen and immediately know if a person is trustworthy or not even on the first meeting.

Whenever I get attacked by another person, I always try to remember the phrase "Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them." As John Maxwell said, "When hurting people lash out, it is in response to what's happening inside them than what's happening around them. They feel or believe something negative within themselves. The problem is that those people who don't believe in themselves will never succeed, and they will also keep those around them from succeeding".

In dealing with hurting people, I learned from John Maxwell that:

• Not to take things personally
  As those who tend to hurt people will find offense even where there's none given. For as long as you've done nothing wrong, then believe in oneself and not on what others say about you.
  
  
• Look beyond the person for the problem
  Always remember that hurting people overreact, over-exaggerate, and overprotect. When a person's reaction is out of line or larger than the issue at hand, the response is almost always about something else.
  
  
• Look beyond the situation
  Rise above the emotional turmoil that other people may create.
  
  
• Do not add to their hurt
  Forgive and move on. Be kind and gentle. Although from experience, most of them can't stand this kind of response.
  

In my next post, I'll reflect on the kind of person we are and those we deal with. Do we lift people up or take people down in our relationships?

Related:

• Blogging and the Long Tail