Dealing with hurting people (that hurt people)

John Maxwell has always played a great role in shaping my attitude in life and towards dealing with people. I finally got the chance to start re-reading the book "Winning With People" (and its workbook). I guess the timing is just right as there are so many things happening at this time and this book has given me much needed reflection.

One insight I learned is that who we are reflects how we see people. A fashionista will likely look at how the person dresses up herself immediately upon meeting her. A trusting person will view others as trustworthy.

Unfortunately, when we realize that those we trusted are not as trustworthy, instead of being disappointed, accept the reality that giving trust will not always entitle you to the same. In time, your intuition will sharpen and immediately know if a person is trustworthy or not even on the first meeting.

Whenever I get attacked by another person, I always try to remember the phrase "Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them." As John Maxwell said, "When hurting people lash out, it is in response to what's happening inside them than what's happening around them. They feel or believe something negative within themselves. The problem is that those people who don't believe in themselves will never succeed, and they will also keep those around them from succeeding".

In dealing with hurting people, I learned from John Maxwell that:
  • Not to take things personally
    As those who tend to hurt people will find offense even where there's none given. For as long as you've done nothing wrong, then believe in oneself and not on what others say about you.

  • Look beyond the person for the problem
    Always remember that hurting people overreact, over-exaggerate, and overprotect. When a person's reaction is out of line or larger than the issue at hand, the response is almost always about something else.

  • Look beyond the situation
    Rise above the emotional turmoil that other people may create.

  • Do not add to their hurt
    Forgive and move on. Be kind and gentle. Although from experience, most of them can't stand this kind of response.
In my next post, I'll reflect on the kind of person we are and those we deal with. Do we lift people up or take people down in our relationships?



Anonymous said…
This is very insightful, Janette. It rings true like a church bell. I didn't know about Maxwell's book, but this is how I try to deal with people who hurt me -- that's why I can be very forgiving. I have my limits, though... but if I let myself go over the limit, then I defeat my own virtue.
Anonymous said…
Very well said Ms. Janette ;)

Let there be peace on the blogosphere!
Juned said…
Janette, Its also prudent to differentiate between an attack and criticism. I am not a virtuous person - I am a sinful man and aware of my short comings but I often find it useful to discern between the two - attack and criticism.
Janette Toral said…
@juned - Thank you for the suggestion. I'll post something about criticism one of these days.

@pinoyblurker - yes, peace!

@blogie - at least you can look at them straight in the eye anytime and smile.
Anonymous said…
hahaha! i like the last one. forgive and move on. that has a sarcastic ring to it for me. because it had been my style ever since, but it annoys even more. if you get my drift.

anyway, it's better not to add wood to fire to stop it from spreading.
Jove Francisco said…
Hi Janette! Keep smiling.
Anonymous said…
You can't please everyone and it was good for you to react in a very positive way although you are hurt (though one can't help to react with sarcasm) instead of going "blogbastic". As with any rage/hurt/anger one just need to stop for a while and think.

I'm not here to point who's right or wrong but at least everybody learned their lessons. It would have been a different story had everybody had the positivity to react with a perceived negative story.

Hmmmm... I wonder if the leftist, rightist and centrist would act that way, but that's another story. Keep on blogging! :)
Anonymous said…
For as long as you've done nothing wrong, then believe in oneself and not on what others say about you.

That is so true. A lot has been said but at the end of the day - we alone have to live with ourselves, what we have done and the consequences that result because of it. I am very much an admirer of you and of your achievements. I am glad my husband is a fan and a friend of yours which has paved the way for me to know you.

I still say Cheers to you! :)
Anonymous said…

I agree. In my line of work, I get hate-mail and lashed out too. But I learn that you really CAN'T please everyone. Whatever you do, someone will see it as wrong, inadequate or flawed. But if the majority agree and deep in your heart you (and those close to you) know that you did a good thing. Then all is well.

febeth said…
Its normal that people will hurt others some unknowingly and some really intentionally. So its up to you really how u will react.

For me I just keep quiet and whoever is the guilty party should eventually ask for forgiveness and if not I just forget about it.

Life is too short to deal with conflicts. I want to be happy in life and move on...same goes for everyone.
febeth said…
That is why I only write about my kids (turning praning) and about my bday in my blogs. I dont want to write about earning money or being so philosophical about things. I just want to have a nice time.

Yung mga ibang tao kasi siniseryoso ng blogging, for me its just something I do for fun. So even if u comment something bad OK lang.

Its good you took other peoples comments positively. You go girl...
Janette Toral said…
@andianka - I agree and was also observing the players.

@jove - I will. =)

@jim - actually this post is not related to it as I was twittering about my writing-in-progress of this before the intrigue came out.

@applesh - thanks. It is great to know who your real friends are.

@gmtristan - thanks. People will realize the real deal later on.

@febeth - life is too short indeed. Even in blogging, might as well use it for more worthwhile efforts.
Anonymous said…
Malu Fernandez will probably find this article very useful :)
jan said…
Very interesting insights. I know now where your inner strength is coming from. How I wish many readers and bloggers rediscover this great post. So apt for the present turmoil. :)
Jena Isle said…
Hello Janette,

This is a terrific post. I was wondering where you have derived that patience and understanding to be steadfast in spite of all those negative comments now, I know. Thanks for sharing this with us.

May I ask permission to quote a portion of this article and create a link from my blog? Thanks.
I've never looked at the situation from that perspective. Thanks for the enlightenment.
Didi said…
We are all different people and most of the time with opposing views.

People can express disagreement but sometimes they go too far and unknowingly or knowingly hurt others letting their emotions get the best of them.

I guess that's how life is online or offline. It's how we react to it that matters. 8)

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